


Cat Tales

by nikkilittle



Category: American McGee's Alice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-04 12:38:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15841464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkilittle/pseuds/nikkilittle
Summary: Cheshire narrates!  Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.





	1. A Bedtime Story

A Bedtime Story

by Nikki Little

There’s a first time for everything I suppose. The gnome lady who runs their little library had asked me to tell a story for their late children’s hour, and so off I trudged. I was incredulous that they would invite me to tell a story given my long history of eccentricity. However, I hadn’t done anything really terrible like eating a gnome child or dangling one from a tree fifty feet up, so I suppose there were worse choices than me to deliver a story. Their usual victim for this sort of work is Alice, who is quite a celebrity among the gnomes, although the gnome women try to keep her out of sight of the gnome men as much as possible these days because the gnome men stare at her whenever she’s around.

I walked in to the children's section of the little gnome library and curled up near the cozy fireplace. Evenings in Wonderland have just the faintest hint of a delightful chill. There were about a dozen gnome children waiting for me on the carpet. There were no chairs, but there were pillows scattered about and the children leaned on them. There was no introduction as I am as well-known in Wonderland as Alice. “Are you all ready for a story?” I asked.

“Yes, we’re ready!” several of the children chimed in unison. Perhaps I should mention that gnomes have unusually long life spans by human standards. On average, they live about 500 years, and it takes them about 100 years to reach adult development. Needless to say, with that much extra time available for education, these gnome children put human children to shame with the breadth of their knowledge. Alice finds them slightly intimidating, but charming. They are unusually well-behaved -- by human standards, at least. I had an unusual idea for a story. I call this type of story a “hypothetical.” It’s a “What if...?” story based on real people and real events.

“I’ve got something unusual for you all. I’ve got a story which didn’t happen, but could have happened. It leads to a situation at the end in which you have to decide what would be the proper course of action. Shall I start?” Yes, the gnome children all nodded their heads in assent. Thus began the first story hour in Wonderland delivered by a cat.

**************************************************************************

“In a place called Wonderland, only a little time ago, lived a strange-looking man whose face was hideous, but whose heart was gentle. The endless tragedies in the world above distressed him to no end, and one day, after an abortive attempt by his friend Alice to teach some politicians a lesson, Hatter decided that he had his own lessons to teach. Taking a group of about 100 Gnome men with him, Hatter went to the windswept and barren Kerguelen Islands which were uninhabited at that time. Hatter and his Gnomes went about rebuilding the abandoned research station and whaling facilities, and, after several weeks of very hard work, they had a set of barracks which, while not-too-comfortable, were sufficient as a place of respite. Or exile.”

“Hatter returned to Wonderland and took several of his bongs and a dozen containers of Caterpillar’s smoke portal powder for about 36 hours of rousting politicians, and the rich people who more-or-less own them, from bed. Now Hatter is not a rude man, so he always introduced himself. However he did not explain, for he knew that the politicians would deny everything that they were guilty of. After a very long and sleep-deprived 36 hours or so, and several return trips to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave to replenish his supply of smoke portal powder, Hatter’s task had been accomplished. Every politician on the globe, along with the super-rich people who owned them, was now exiled to the recently constructed barracks of the Kerguelen Islands. Hatter took every technical device they had and simply abandoned them there. “I’ll be back in a month,” he said. Now, of course, Hatter had left plenty of canned food and cheap staples in the cupboards of the barracks, and the kitchens were well-stocked with the basics, but luxuries were non-existent. It was the intent of Hatter that these well-heeled privileged people would find out what it was like to eat as an ordinary person who could not afford expensive cuts of meat and fish, and who never, ever drank wine because its expense was out of the question. Of course water was no problem at all. There were several fast-running streams on the islands which had water pure enough to drink without any treatment at all. Nevertheless, Hatter had set up a small slow-sand water filtration system which provided water to the taps in the barracks. He left instructions on how to maintain the filter, and the rest was up to the politicians if they did not wish to go dipping water out of the streams.”

“Now, as you might expect, the people of the world were in for quite a shock when they woke up the next morning to a world where the people who controlled their lives had all suddenly vanished. With no one to give the orders, and confusion reigning, the guns in all the wars fell temporarily silent as the ordinary civil servants and clerks who normally labored in the background found themselves compelled to fill in for their absent bosses. Everyone agreed that a temporary halt to hostilities was the first order of the day. It didn’t take long for the bean counters to discover that, absent the relentless coffer-draining expenses of war, their countries suddenly had funds for investment in such things as infrastructure, education, social programs, public housing, public transportation, and a host of other needs that had been neglected for so long. The poor countries of the world, so long used to the bullying of structural adjustment programs that required them to open their markets to unrestricted imports which destroyed their own local industries and food production, now found themselves in a position to make decisions based on their own needs. The international organizations which had tormented them for so long seemed to have evaporated into thin air. Most of the richer countries, focused on their own problems, simply told the poorer countries to forget about paying off their debts as those debts would never be repaid anyway. If there’s one thing you can count on a low-level bean counter for, it’s the ability to recognize bad debts. They wrote off the debts of the poor countries both for the sake of human compassion and practicality.”

“As the weeks went by, it became apparent that the world was slowly becoming a better place for all as ordinary people, without the need to pander to corporate shareholders, made decisions for their countries as best they could on behalf of all. Although they were never elected, the superiority of the results they produced were apparent to all, and one-by-one the countries of the world held new elections under new electoral systems to replace the absent leaders. By the end of the month, all of the exiled politicians had been replaced, and the rich people exiled with them had been forgotten.”

“Hatter returned to the Kerguelen Islands and hooked up a battery-powered satellite television set to allow the exiles to view the news from one country after another. It quickly became apparent to all of the exiles that their countries did not want them back. “So what am I going to do with all of you?” asked Hatter.”

“The story ends there. What would all of you do if you were Hatter?”

**************************************************************************

“Cheshire, you said none of this really happened, right?” asked one gnome boy.

“No, of course not. As much as Hatter would like to do such a thing, a positive outcome is by no means certain. He talked about it once at a party celebrating Alice’s return from you-know-where, but it was just talk. The idea of kidnapping people was something that he could not stomach even if it were a sure way of improving the world. To Hatter, there are some things that just cannot be justified. To Hatter, the means to accomplish a goal must be as admirable as the ends themselves. In this respect, Hatter is, if anything, even more of a dreamer than Alice.”

“Cheshire, what would you have done if you had had to decide what to do with all of those politicians and rich people?”

“First, I would like to know what each of you would do.”

“I’d leave them there!” said one of the gnome boys. “Nobody wants them back!”

“Aren’t you concerned about the morality of just leaving them stranded there?” I asked.

“Is it any worse than the practice in the world above of locking bad people up in prisons and leaving them there for years, even decades?”

I had to admit that the gnome child had me there. I had long thought that the mass incarceration of the world above, especially in victimless crimes, was absurd. Why, they even locked people up for smoking weeds! One weed, tobacco, was perfectly legal even though it killed people by the millions. Another weed, which didn’t kill people, but got them just as intoxicated as alcohol -- and threw in free trips as a bonus -- would land a human in the pokey with the utmost of haste. It made no sense at all to me. One of the gnome girls had a different idea.

“I’d send them back, but not to their old jobs. This time they would have to do something useful.”

“And what would that useful something be?” I asked.

“I’d have them working on farms, working in utilities, or making stuff that everyone needs in workshops.”

“In the world above, useful things -- and lots and lots of useless things -- are made in what are known as factories. There aren’t quite so many of those as there used to be in the country above us. Now they have most things made in other countries where people are paid less for their work.”

“Oh, yeah. Money. In the world above, everything revolves around money. It’s like it’s their freakin’ god,” exclaimed an older gnome girl.

“What would you do?” I asked the youngest and smallest gnome boy.

“I’d leave them on the island with all the supplies that they need to make a reasonable, but not luxurious, life for themselves. Why send them back where they might start stirring up wars and causing trouble again?”

I had to admit that I was beginning to understand why Alice found these gnome children a bit intimidating. Smart little buggers they were! One gnome boy asked me what I would do.

“I would have dumped them all in the streets of the wrong countries with no money and no ID.” Heh, heh, heh... What else would a grinning, evil cat do?

The End

**************************************************************************

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the rights.

Version 2


	2. Nightmare in Valrhona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheshire is hanging out at the gnome village bar and hears about Alice's nightmare about one-eyed teapots. Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Nightmare in Valrhona

by Nikki Little

 

I really gotta stop spending so much time hanging out in the bar in the gnome village. Sometimes I think I hear things I'd be better off not knowing. I should just hang out in the Vale and do my cat thing of hunting snarks. For example, yesterday I was in the gnome bar and Alice showed up in the evening after her shift in Bill McGill's brewery. It seems the night before she had a nightmare and was telling Hatter, the Gnome Elder, Mr. White, and Arianne all about it.

"I was eighteen again and back in the middle of our civil war. Only this time everything was different. This time I was stuck in Hatter's castle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running circles around me. And I had to fight them with a pepper grinder! How on earth did such an idiot scenario pop into my head?"

Hatter suggested that perhaps Alice should stop eating chocolate before bedtime. All that caffeine, you know. He was also probably thinking about the calories, but fortunately he kept his mouth shut. For that moment.

"How could chocolate give me nightmares, Hatter? Anyway, being stuck with a bunch of Walt Disney's teapots is not exactly the worst of my fears. I'm just curious as to how such a ridiculous scenario could pop into my head."

"So being back in the civil war wasn't really the nightmare part?" Hatter took his hat off and scratched his head. He's actually got some hair now.

"Nope. The real part of the nightmare was that I was skinny and flat-chested again. You remember what I looked like when I was eighteen. I looked like Keri Russell in a size zero dress. In other words, I looked like a cancer patient."

"You did not look like a cancer patient," said Hatter. "You were quite lovely. I miss those days. Now you're so..." Hatter stopped short and bit his tongue as he slowly removed his boots from his mouth. Alice raised an eyebrow. I decided it was a good moment for me to go up to the counter and get brandy for everyone. Even me. I figured I was going to need it in a moment. 

"I am not fat," said Alice. "You just like women who look like boys."

"Oh, hell!" I was thinking. Here we go again. These two fight like an old married couple. She's fat and he's a pervert. Around and around they go. I set the tray of glasses of brandy down at our table and knocked over the pot of hot tea for Hatter. Alice bent over to pick up the teapot and the backside of her dress split wide open with a rip that sounded like one of the Gnome Elder's farts. Alice jumped back into her chair with a look of utter mortification on her face.

"Alice," said Hatter, "you're fat. Admit it. Even your dress thinks you're fat. You need to lay off the chocolate at night. You need to lay off the chocolate, period."

Arianne had been sitting there quietly without a word. Now she finally spoke up. "Shut up, Hatter. Don't you know to keep still when a woman splits her dress?"

"Hatter," said Alice slowly, "it would be a source of great comfort to me if you thought I was too fat to fuck. Cheshire, get me some chocolate from the bar. They've got part of my stash under the counter."

I could contain myself no longer. "Alice, you just split your dress wide open and you're going to eat chocolate?"

"Pfffffft! Why not? The chocolate you got me is now so old it's getting stale. Eat it or toss it. When I get finished, I'm going to walk over to my seamstress and get measured so she can let out some of my dresses. Looks like I'm a size fourteen now."

"More like 14W," I said, eyeballing Alice's hips. Alice patted her right hip and gave me a come hither look. I hate it when she does that. Everytime she gives me one of those looks I have to make a trip under the bushes.

Hatter rolled his eyes. "No dieting?"

"Nope! If Sarah ever gets tired of you, I don't want to be the next object of your lust."

I brought Alice back the chocolate and she sat eating the entire bar slowly and licking the smear off her fingers. The Gnome Elder looked like he was going to faint. Mr. White gave me a sly look and whispered, "Another couple of weeks of this and she'll be ready for more nude portraits!"

I looked at the teapot and thought about Alice's nightmare. A battle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running around and only a pepper grinder to use as a weapon. Walt Disney drops acid. Hope no video game developers hear about Alice's dream. Somebody will turn it into a boss battle. Some idiot. 

Alice got up holding the ripped parts of dress together and walked over to the nearby house of her seamstress. About thirty seconds later I heard her scream. Up two sizes, not one. I called it a night and made my trip into the bushes. Some things just can't wait. Ya know? 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.

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Version 2


	3. Return to Swilly's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Cheshire reprise their date in Swilly's five years ago. This time Alice remembers not to bring her Bowie Knife strapped to her hip. Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Return to Swilly's

By Nikki Little

When Alice finally tossed out her old stale chocolate, it was getting close to the five-year anniversary of that date that we had made in Swilly's. Alice, the sentimental sort, suggested that we make a return trip just for old time's sake even if we weren't lovers anymore. The day of our date arrived, and Alice, leaving me standing in the hallway of her home in Pandemonium, went back into her bedroom to change. She told me that she had gotten two new dresses which no one had seen yet.

"I got two of these when I had a batch of my dresses let out. I didn't get them to wear in Wonderland. They're only for wearing uptop. I got them with a lower neckline so that I could wear a necklace. Hatter has given me two pocket-watch necklaces to wear with them. I can't really wear a necklace with my usual dresses because the necklaces would hang down on the cloth. That doesn't really look right." Alice twirled in front of me and leaned forward a bit to give me a glimpse down the front. "So what do you think, Cat?" she said. "Do I look presentable?"

Alice had cleavage again. If anything, she had even more cleavage than she had had when she went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Good grief! She had cleavage. I coughed a bit. Unlike Alice's usual dresses, this design was form-fitting to show off what she had. When it came to the cleavage, I suppose that was a good thing. It also made uncomfortably obvious to me just how wide the rest of her body had gotten. Her hips were once again flaring out just below her waist. Her butt stuck out. She had a thick roll again below the waist, and this dress did not have pleats to help hide it. Later, as we walked to Swilly's and I had to walk behind her because the sidewalk was narrow, I couldn't help noticing that her butt practically bounced as she walked. I realized that I agreed with Hatter. Alice was fat, but I would never tell her that.

"Wow!" I said as I looked her up and down. I was indeed impressed. Also confused. Alice had curves that were positively intoxicating. I was practically dizzy just looking at her. The forbidden question of the world above popped into my head: "Can a fat girl be attractive?" Alice was fat. She wasn't gross or huge, but she was big enough that most people would call her fat. She turned slightly, and I noticed that she had love handles spilling out over the waist of her dress at the sides. Her waistband was the same sash with a bow-tie in the back that her other dresses used. This sash, however, was thinner which allowed the dress to hug her body closer. "Do you really want to wear that uptop?" I asked. "It's more revealing than what you usually wear."

"Of course I want to wear it," Alice said. "I want to show off what I've got while I've got it. I remember the last time I was around this size that I was kicking myself after I lost weight because all my glorious curves deflated. With all the chocolate gone in Wonderland, I doubt if I'll look like this for long."

"Alice, have you looked at yourself in a full-length mirror wearing this dress?" I stepped backwards a bit as I was just a bit worried that she would take the question as an insult.

"I saw myself in a full-length mirror in Hatter's castle when I got the pocket-watch necklaces. Hatter measured the length of the chain to be just right for this dress. There are full-length mirrors all throughout Hatter's castle. He's quite the dandy and likes to have them available to adjust everything to be just right. He's always adjusting the tilt of his hat."

"Did you like what you saw in the mirrors?"

"I know where this is going, Cat. Yes, for the most part, I liked what I saw in the mirrors for the same reason I liked what I saw in the mirrors the last time I was around this size. For a girl who grew up flat-chested and scrawny, this is kind of like a fantasy come true. Although not entirely. I was a bit shocked when I saw myself full-length in Hatter's mirrors. I didn't realize that I was this big. I love the curves, but Hatter's right about me. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat chick. Nice curves, but a fat chick. There are drawbacks to everything, Cat. The only time that I have curves that make me feel feminine and sexy is when I'm fat. So be it. Are you willing to be seen with me in the world above?. Are you willing to be seen with a woman who is five feet tall and weighs 158 pounds?"

I blinked. Alice told me that she had weighed herself in Hatter's castle right in front of him. He nearly fainted. I looked Alice up and down. She had a cello shape that reminded me of the television star Sara Rue at her heaviest. There is no way I'd ever turn down a date with Alice. "Alice, I'd be seen with you uptop even if you weighed 200 pounds." I meant it. I sure hope it never happens though. I hated to admit to myself that I thought she was breathtaking. I didn't really want to admit to myself that I could consider a fat human girl attractive.

I, myself, was wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit straight from the Shrek movies. I figured that I could get away with wearing such an outlandish outfit because the last time no one noticed a lynx walking upright in a crosswalk. The drivers in the cars were all distracted by various technological devices. I do believe that even an elephant could have sauntered across the crosswalk and no one would have noticed. Standing next to Alice, I realized that I would be quite the ugly duckling, but then, it was never my looks which turned Alice on. It was my roguish personality and voice. Alice claims I sound just like the first actor to play James Bond. She used to have a running gag when we made out in the mushroom patch. She would echo a common line from early Bond movies and screech "Oh Cheshire!" when she was about to, ummm, you know. Damn she was noisy when we made out.

Alice opened a portal to the same creek-bed next to the Asylum that we had used the previous time we had gone to Swilly's. We walked on the grass to the sidewalk and followed the same route. The same as the last time, nearly everyone we saw on the sidewalk had their ears glued to a cellphone. New this time was that everyone seemed to be carrying laptop bags slung over their shoulders. Even men walked around with these bags slung over their shoulders completely unconcerned with the possible accusation that they were carrying a "purse." You would think that someone would notice a lynx walking upright and wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit. No one gave me a second glance. Everyone was absorbed in inane conversations about utterly mundane things. It was as if every person in the world uptop was now compelled to give a running commentary on their real-time activities via cellphone to anyone who was apparently so lacking in interesting things to do that they would actually listen. Even the occasional soul without a cellphone walked by lost in his own little world. This time I noticed people pushing shopping carts along the sidewalk with what looked like personal belongings in the carts rather than groceries. I had noticed one or two of these on the previous trip, but now they seemed to be commonplace. Lacking a cellphone, they all seemed to mutter constantly to no one in particular. Alice and I crossed the street at the crosswalk, and none of the drivers so much as blinked at the sight of Puss-in-Boots walking upright in front of them.

As we walked up to the door of the restaurant, we noticed two heavily-bearded unkempt men sitting near the doorway with tin cans and a sign in front of them. Patrons coming and going ignored them as if they were invisible. I warned Alice that we didn't have that much money with us and that if she wanted to toss anything in their tin cans, we should wait until after we had paid for our meals. As before, Alice went to the counter and ordered for both of us. This time she bought four fish sandwiches, one order of french fries, and two cups of unsweetened iced tea. She had actually remembered to ask for the unsweetened. She placed the one order of french fries in front of me. "None for you?" I asked. Alice stood up and patted her right hip. "I don't think I need them. Not this time." She was smiling when she said it. She left unspoken her obvious implication that I definitely did need the french fries. I looked around the restaurant and noticed that everyone was bent over laptop computers and a new, small type of laptop known as a netbook. The netbooks looked like toys to me. I heard a sudden exclamation of dismay behind me and turned around to see some college boy holding up an expensive-looking Apple laptop with a coke draining out of its keyboard. That was probably the end of that laptop. For the life of me, I'll never understand why people insist on placing a one-dollar drink next to a very expensive laptop computer.

We unwrapped our fish sandwiches and got a surprise. This time the sandwiches were not dripping with grease. Alice gave me an incredulous look. "Cat, do you think it's possible that Swilly's food has actually improved?" Alice took a bite and commented, "The fish is actually edible this time." She lifted the bun to show that the deep-fried, breaded squares of fish were still smothered in a thick layer of tartar sauce the same as last time. She shrugged and ate the fish sandwiches without bothering to scrape off any of the tartar sauce. "You remember that I got sick the last time we were here," Alice said.

"How could I forget? The restaurant manager spotted your bowie knife and called in a SWAT Team. He thought we were terrorists."

"You'll notice that I didn't bring my bowie knife with me this time, Cat. Maybe this time we'll be able to finish undisturbed. I don't think I'm going to puke this time."

"I just remembered what we were talking about the last time we were here," I mentioned. Alice met my eyes, smiled, and stood up beside the table.

"So what do you think, Cat? Mission accomplished? Is this what you were expecting? Or hoping for?" Alice turned slowly for me.

"You screamed when you were in the tailor's getting measured. It seems you've recovered from your shock."

"I knew that I had gained some weight, but I thought that I had only gone up one dress size. When she measured me, I just couldn't believe it. I walked over to a scales that she keeps in the corner. You know that gnome scales only go up to 150 pounds. I stepped on the scales and it blew apart. That's when I screamed. I'm okay, though, now. I'm happy to have back the curves I had when I went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Really, I am. Would I be wearing an outfit as clingy and form-fitting as this if I weren't?"

I'm sure that I looked a bit guilty. I had told her back then that I had been trying to fatten her up a bit for years. I had only meant to bring her up to a healthy, normal looking weight. Maybe from 100 to 120. Not from 100 to 158. Of course I felt guilty. Deep down inside, I thought that I had turned a skinny girl into a fat chick.

Alice could read my mind. "Don't beat yourself up, Cat. I'm happy." Alice leaned forward giving me a glimpse of the eye-popping cleavage she had acquired. Her pocket-watch necklace fell forward from its nest. "Look, Cat. They're back. My glorious pair of Cs are back. Look around you, Cat. No need to feel guilty. I'm actually the skinniest woman in this restaurant right now."

I looked around and, to my amazement, Alice was indeed the skinniest woman in the restaurant. She was the only woman in the restaurant who looked healthy. All the other women in the restaurant had enormous waistlines and appeared to be well over 200 pounds. None of them had the slightest hint of a shape. As I mentioned before, Alice reminded me of a cello. In a restaurant full of shapeless blob women, Alice looked downright glamorous - like an old-time movie star. She wasn't even wearing makeup. She didn't need it. The men in the restaurant looked just as awful as the women. Beer bellies everywhere. Several people in the restaurant appeared to be over 300 pounds, and there was an enormous blob in a booth in the corner with a wheel chair next to him. He had been wheeled in by his 300-pound wife, it appeared. "We've got to bring Hatter in here, sometime," I said. "He'll never call you 'fat' again after seeing what's in here!"

Alice got up and dumped our trays leaving only our glasses of iced tea on the table. I admit that I enjoyed the view as she walked away. I should also mention that Alice looks really good in white. Definitely her color. I gazed rapt as she returned to our table. The heart-shaped face and angelic chubby cheeks. That cute swath of freckles across her nose. The sensual sway of her flaring, well-cushioned hips. She almost made me wish I weren't a cat. Then I remembered that thing that humans call "work." Ah! Alice! Sweet Alice! Why couldn't you have been a lynx?

Alice sat back down at our table and leaned forward to drink from her cup of iced tea. I'm sure that it wasn't intentional, but Alice had just given me a close-up view of the Grand Canyon. I thought of melons and mountain ranges, grapefruit and water balloons. I just couldn't take it. I jumped up to go into the bathroom, and the door to the men's bathroom was locked. I couldn't wait. The bathrooms were those small types for one person at a time that locked. I looked around and saw that no one was paying any attention. I dashed into the women's restroom and locked the door. I didn't make it. I no sooner got my pants down than I exploded all over the light fixture overhead and then on the bathroom mirror. I'm sure I nailed the sink, too. I cleaned myself up as best I could and hurried back to our table. "Alice, we've got to leave," I said. I looked back at the restrooms and noticed that a woman was on her way toward them. "Alice, we've got to leave now!" I grabbed Alice's arm. We left the cups of tea on the table.

"What did you do, Cat?" The woman screamed from inside the bathroom. A manager hurried toward the scream.

"I made a mess in the bathroom. Run!" We scurried out the door and Alice tossed what was left of our money to the two veterans with cans and signs in front of them. I was impressed that she remembered them while we made our hasty exit. "You kept flashing your cleavage in my face and I just couldn't hold it anymore. The men's bathroom was locked and I went into the women's bathroom. I exploded all over the light fixtures, the mirror, the sink, pretty much everywhere. It was hanging down from the overhead light and off the mirror like ectoplasm from a Ghostbusters movie."

Alice opened a portal right there in the middle of the crosswalk and shoved me through. Right before I passed through, I turned around to witness the two veterans splitting up the money that Alice had tossed evenly. A tiny bit of civilization in an uncivilized country. One looked up at Alice and me with silent thanks on his face. The only one to make eye contact during our entire trip. The portal did not phase him. Perhaps he knew who we were? We arrived at the bar in the gnome village. Alice was laughing hysterically. "Do I really have that effect on you, Cat? I wasn't flashing intentionally. I'm just not used to this dress." I looked around and all the gnome men were staring at Alice with their mouths hanging open.

"Alice, you need to go home and change your dress." Alice pursed her lips and made a funny look. Oops.

Alice opened another portal and off we went to her house in Pandemonium. I waited outside her bedroom door while she changed into one of her usual dresses. She invited me in. Alice's face changed expression as if she had just changed her mind about something. "Want to go shopping with me?" she asked. When Alice says shopping, it usually means stealing in the world uptop. Alice got out her looking glass and flashed us both. She opened a portal into the Wal-Mart just behind the Asylum. The portal stayed open. She grabbed several boxes of Lindt chocolate off the top shelf and loaded me up. She took several boxes for herself. We dashed back through the portal before even eight seconds had passed. We dumped our loot on Alice's bed, and she carefully cut one box open with her bowie knife. Lindt chocolate. Each box contained twenty 3.5-ounce bars. "I haven't had chocolate in a week, and I've decided not to give up chocolate. I love chocolate. I love my body just as it is right now. Get used to me looking like this, Cat. I regretted losing weight the last time. Seeing my boobs and butt deflate was like watching a horror movie in slow motion. I'm not losing weight again." Alice ripped open one of the Lindt bars and gobbled it with what looked like sexual ecstasy. She moaned and panted in-between bites. According to Alice, the Lindt wasn't quite as good as the Valrhona, but it came very close, and it was a lot easier to find. Needless to say, I couldn't verify this. Chocolate is poisonous to cats. Google it if you don't believe me.

Alice meant it about not giving up chocolate. She found a whole series of Wal-Mart warehouses that were deserted at night, and began stealing Lindt from them on a regular basis. She only took a few boxes each time. No more stale chocolate for Alice! I can tell you that Alice never did lose any weight, but she didn't gain any more either. I was thankful for that. For the next few weeks, it seemed that Alice took great delight in flaunting her size in front of Hatter and eating chocolate bars in front of him. She made a great show of licking chocolate off her fingers in front of him. It was downright erotic how she licked that stuff off her fingers. She even had Mr. White paint a nude portrait of her in the classic "Odalisque" pose and gave it to Hatter, who promptly turned pale, imagining, no doubt, the reaction his wife would have to the portrait. Arianne got the portrait, and put it up where her old nude of Alice was hanging. The old nude went into the house's storage closet.

Every year thereafter, at about the same time, the gnome elder would wind up in Hatter's medical clinic with pulled muscles and torn ligaments. Rumor has it that it was always on his birthday. About once a month Alice would break a vine in Wonderland Woods. Fortunately her parachute dresses still worked the same as always. Eventually the great quantity of broken vines on the floor of the woods became a source of endless jokes, but Alice was happy and ignored the wisecracks. We all got used to Alice's more fleshed-out appearance except for Hatter. Most of us even liked it - especially Arianne and me. Arianne liked her softness, and all that jiggling was a real turn-on to me. I could barely look at her without blowing a gasket. I came to the conclusion that Hatter was nuts. I agreed with him that Alice was fat. So what? She was breathtaking. I asked Hatter why being fat automatically made a girl unattractive. He had no answer.

A few years later Alice's foresight became apparent. Sarah's gung-ho method of attacking killer mushrooms by leaping up on top of them while brandishing a machete over her head finally got her eaten. After slaying one mushroom, she got a little too close to another one while dragging the dead one, and it sucked her in. Swoosh! No more Sarah. No more sex for Hatter, either. Hatter went bonkers again. So predictable. This time he chased gnome housewives around in the gnome village. Well, at least he had the sense to leave the White Queen alone this time. Caterpillar did his usual of calling in the old guerilla war council - excluding Hatter - and had the White Knight hold up a pair of straws in front of Alice and Arianne again. The White Knight rolled his eyes, but did his duty. Well, by this time, Arianne had gotten nearly as big as Alice and she broke out laughing. "Hatter won't fuck us - we're too fat!" Alice and Arianne walked out together with tears of laughter rolling down their faces leaving the clueless Caterpillar wondering what to do next. Everybody - except Caterpillar - knew that Hatter regarded Alice and Arianne both as unfuckable blimps. They weren't, of course, but Hatter thought so. Alice and Arianne went uptop to search for another floozy who was desperate to get away, and they found one. Plucked her right out of a Los Angeles prison where she had been locked away again for getting drunk. If she hadn't been a celebrity, she probably wouldn't have been bothered. It was all quite ridiculous, and she was desperate for an exit. To make matters even better, she was a skinny, red-haired, freckle-faced waif who looked a lot like skinny little Alice when she arrived in Wonderland. Alice arranged matters with the gnome priest and had her tailor make a wedding dress for the floozy.

"Do you, Hatter, take this woman to be your bride for as long as you both shall live, or until she gets eaten by a killer mushroom?"

"I do."

"Do you - stand up straight you little drunk - Lindsay Lohan..."

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.

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Chocolate really is poisonous to cats. Keep chocolate of any kind out of reach of cats. It's poisonous to dogs, too.


	4. Alice Takes a Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice gets mistaken for a call girl in the downtown Chicago business district late at night. What could go wrong? Alternate universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Alice Takes a Walk

by Nikki Little

 

Eyelids were growing heavy at the Gnome Bar, and I could sense that last call was coming up. The air was a bit cool even for Wonderland, but no one was cold. The fire crackling in the stone fireplace in the center of all the metal lawn chairs that had long ago replaced the cut-off tree stumps as seats gave a cozy air. I was not ready for the night to end. It was time for the greatest storyteller in Wonderland, yours truly, to reach into his bag of tales. No pun intended.

I jumped up on the Gnome Bar counter, a health code violation in the persnickety world above, and asked the last few gnomes in attendance if they were in the mood for one of my late-night tales. Instantly the heavy eyelids all popped open. Oh, yes, they were definitely in the mood. Life in Wonderland had gotten rather boring since Hatter had married Lindsay Lohan. No more bimbo eruptions. Lindsay turned out to be remarkably devoid of entertainment value when she was drunk. Anyway, on with the tale. I curled up on the counter and began.

“It was sometime late in Obama's second term that Alice decided to take a walk in the downtown business district of Chicago after leading a homeless encampment on a middle-of-the-night grocery store ransacking. That was back in Alice's 'Princess of Thieves' days -- back when there was still a semblance of order and quasi-civilization in the world uptop. Alice had brought along a change of clothes and a blond wig in a large, trendy handbag -- the women of the affluent classes in those days were obsessed with ridiculously expensive handbags -- so that she could do some anonymous wandering around after the grocery store ransacking was over. Now some of you might not believe it, but Alice looked pretty good in a blond wig. A bit of a Marilyn Monroe vibe going on. Anyway, she was walking down the main drag of the Chicago business district looking at all the skyscrapers when a brand new Audi pulled up alongside her. The driver rolled his window down and tried to bargain with Alice. Alice herself has said that she just gave the driver a dirty look and told him to go home to his wife.”

I gestured to the rapt bartender and he brought me another glass of iced black tea with a catnip garnish. Yes, the Gnome bartenders kept a few ingredients behind the counter just for me. I continued with my tale.

“The driver was intrigued by Alice's indifference as he was convinced that Alice was a call-girl who lived in a nearby luxury apartment complex. He offered Alice ten thousand dollars for one hour. Now Alice is no dummy. She knew that ten thousand dollars was pocket change to this obvious one-percenter. Alice told him that he couldn't afford her if he wanted to bargain. It was at this point that Alice's eager pursuer offered to take her back to his work apartment. Alice gave him a harsh look and said that she had a clientele list of three and that her fee was six figures in cash. The driver said he had that much in a wall safe in his apartment and opened the passenger door for Alice.”

“You might be wondering where the cops were at this point, with such an obvious case of soliciting going on. It seems that the cops didn't bother people who were as obviously affluent as this driver and Alice with her expensive-looking handbag and flashy white dress. For the one-percenters, law enforcement was decidedly different. Well, Alice did say that there were no cop cars around at that point. The entire exchange was, no doubt, recorded by a number of security cameras in the area, some public and some private. The driver of the Audi obviously was unconcerned.”

I took a few sips of my iced black tea, and munched the catnip sprig. The day was nearly ended for the gnomes at the bar, but for me, the night had barely begun.

“Alice got into the Audi on the passenger side, and the driver, tickled at having made a successful bargain, sped away to his work apartment which was only two minutes away. He parked his Audi in a very expensive parking garage that had armed security guards everywhere, and then led Alice to his apartment building. He checked Alice in as a 'guest' at the security desk. Alice said that the guard at the desk looked her up and down and mentally undressed her.”

I gestured to the gnome bartender and asked for a virgin mint julep. I try to avoid alcohol. I leave the alcohol for the gnomes and humans. The bartender already had the lemon syrup prepared and stored in the refrigerator, so he was quick with my drink. He also gave me a small plate with a few sprigs of catnip.

“The Audi driver bounded up the stairs to his second floor apartment and unlocked two deadbolts on the ornate solid metal door, and then waived his wrist in front of the lock to unlock the third deadbolt. After entering, the Audi driver shoved the door securely shut, turned the deadbolts for two of the locks, and waived his wrist in front of an electronic scanner to close the third deadbolt. Alice suddenly realized that that third deadbolt with the electronic device had her locked in. She didn't say a word.”

“The apartment itself was quite luxurious with a gleaming kitchen full of stainless steel, a small dining room with an antique mahogany dining table for two, a living room with an enormous wall-mounted flat panel TV as its centerpiece, a small study with an expensive macbook pro lying on a desk, and the bedroom. The bed was obviously the most expensive thing in an already luxuriously appointed apartment. Antique wood, a canopy, and heavy sheets with a bedspread that looked like something out of a renaissance painting. There were curtains that you could draw around the bed.”

“The Audi driver pointed to the bed, and began stripping as he indicated for Alice to do the same. Alice cleared her throat and informed the Audi driver that she got paid in advance. The Audi driver invited Alice to leave if she didn't like the terms. Of course Alice didn't have the embedded wrist chip to unlock the electronic third deadbolt. The Audi driver stood there smirking at her. Alice walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. The bedroom door had no lock on it, Alice noticed. Alice wondered how many prostitutes this guy had lured to his apartment and stiffed. Alice admitted that she was kind of wishing that she was a vice cop at this point.”

“The naked-except-for-his-socks Audi driver threw open the lockless door to his bedroom and immediately froze. He was greeted by a completely nude except for socks Queen of Hearts. Yes, Alice had rage potion with her and took one of the two doses right in the eyes. Alice looked straight at him with her forked tongue hanging out and dropped a steaming load of partially coagulated menstrual blood on the floor. Like barfed-up Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup. The Audi driver instantly wilted and peed down his leg, went straight for his door -- still peeing, twisted the two conventional deadbolt locks -- still peeing, waived his wrist in front of the scanner -- still peeing, ran down the stairway -- still peeing, sprinted past the startled security guard -- still peeing, and ran straight down the street peeing all the way and screaming that he had just seen the Devil. Damn, it's amazing how much pee a one-percenter can hold.” 

I had just finished my virgin mint julep and asked for another iced black tea with catnip garnish. Telling Alice stories makes me thirsty.

“The security guard called the police who picked up the babbling streaker and promptly took him to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Fortunately he had health insurance. According to all the tabloids, he spent the rest of his relatively short life in the Longview State Hospital for the Mentally Incapacitated, babbling that he had seen the Devil. Just for kicks, Alice visited him once a year or so -- wearing a white dress and blond wig.”

The gnome bartender shouted last call for alcohol, and everybody had one last shot of brandy. Then it was time to stagger home and off to bed to angry gnome wives. Yeah, I guess life in Wonderland does get sort of boring for the gnomes. Same old, same old every day. For me, though, the night was just beginning, and Wonderland Woods always held the possibility of a nighttime rendez-vous in the Mushroom Patch when I would get the chance to curl more than my tail.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

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Version 3


	5. Alice Versus the Low-Flow Toilet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the ladies' room at a Half-Price bookstore, Alice encounters an urban legend. Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Alice Versus the Low-Flow Toilet

by Nikki Little

 

"Holy Fuck! Alice, what have you done?" Alice was standing in front of me just outside the outdoor shower rooms of her house in Pandemonium. She was hosing herself off.

"Cheshire, how kind of you to pop up to witness my humiliation!" Alice said with a sneer that told me she was in an extremely foul mood. A period brandy foul mood. Alice threw her clothes on the ground and walked into the shower. Most people would go get a towel first, but since Alice can make portals with her mind, she just flashes herself straight from the shower to her bedroom. And drips on the floor. Alice is a wee bit of a slob. The clothes smelled fit only for an incinerator.

I decided to go get myself a nip over at the gnome bar and wait for Alice to show up. I knew she would. About a half an hour later Alice strolled by with a laundry bag to drop off at the gnome laundry. I looked at the bag and at Alice. I had to say something.

"Alice, you're not just going to hand those stinky, disgusting clothes to the ladies at the gnome laundry are you?"

"Of course not, Cheshire. I hosed them off as best I could. They still smell, though. I'll bet the gnomes all make bets on whether or not I fell into another sewage lagoon in North Carolina after a Cheapmart closed up and sold its land to a factory pig farm."

"That was a wee bit of a catastrophe. I always thought that sooner or later your relying on old images for creating portals would create a problem for you when something moved. You can't materialize inside a wall or other solid material, can you?"

"Oh, Cheshire! That only happens in Star Trek. If I try to create a portal inside a solid material, the portal gets bounced out of the way. I have occasionally knocked people over when I came out of a portal, though."

"A rather soft bump, I'm sure," I said as I eyed Alice's hips. Alice looked annoyed, and walked over to the gnome laundry to drop off her stinky load. She came back and walked up to the bar.

"One cherry period brandy and one iced tea," said Alice. Down here, you don't have to specify "unsweetened." Nobody down here, absolutely nobody, puts sugar in iced tea. Alice likes her iced tea straight with four big cubes of ice. No lemon wedge. The bartenders at the gnome bar all know that. Hatter sometimes puts milk and sugar into his hot tea. Very British of him. Alice joined me at the table.

"So, are you going to tell me how you managed to get yourself so soiled?" I asked.

Alice sighed. "The story is bound to come out sooner or later," she said. "I walked into the ladies room at the Half-Price bookstore in Franklinville, and there it was. Washed ashore on dry land in the low-flow toilet. The evil, low-flow toilet. Stinking worse than Loudon Wainwright the Third's dead skunk. A fucking turd! An evil, fucking turd!"

"A fucking turd that wouldn't flush, I presume," I said.

"Oh, I tried," said Alice. "I flushed the fucking thing once, twice, three times…"

"Three times a lady…" I sang. Who did that song, I wonder?

"That fucking turd was no lady! It wouldn't leave. I flushed five times, and it was still there. Smelling. Laughing in my face. Telling me that the lady waiting just outside the door would think I did it. Evil fucking turd!"

"So what did you do?" I asked.

"I tried to get smart. I turned the water faucet on, scooped up some water inside my mouth, and tried to shoot the thing out of place with a stream of water. Wouldn't budge. Evil, fucking, cement turd wouldn't budge!"

"Pity that women aren't equipped with point and shoot like guys. So what was your next try?" I asked.

"I flashed back to Wonderland to get my Jabberwock Eyestaff. I didn't want the lady waiting to think I did it!"

"Oh, no!" I rolled my eyes.

"Just one little shot, I thought," said Alice. "Just a split-second blast from the Eyestaff would vaporize the evil turd, I thought. The turd didn't vaporize. It exploded. All over the ceiling, the walls, the mirror, the door, the floor, me. All over me! Then the toilet exploded even though I had already taken my finger off the trigger. That's why I have some cuts on me. One large chunk of the toilet bowl threw me against the wall. I'm surprised I didn't turn into the Queen of Hearts or Medusa. I decided to just leave. I opened the door and flashed myself out of there."

"So you let the next lady find the mess?"

Alice hung her head. "Yes, I did."

Hatter showed up at the bar. Stuck his pinkie up in the air and asked for hot tea with milk and sugar. "Have you heard the latest on the news?" he asked. There are maybe three AM stations with a signal strong enough to be picked up in Wonderland. "All the wire services are reporting a terrorist attack in a Half-Price bookstore in Franklinville, New Jersey. Somebody blew up the ladies' bathroom with an explosive device."

Alice got up and walked away, shoulders slumped, with her iced tea in her right hand. "Evil fucking turd," I heard her mutter.

"What was that all about?" asked Hatter, with his pinkie stuck up in the air.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. No Half-Price bookstores were harmed in the writing of this story.


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